


in aeternum

by calarinanis



Category: The Last Kingdom (TV), The Warrior Chronicles | The Saxon Stories - Bernard Cornwell
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Uhtred of Bebbanburg POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25164916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calarinanis/pseuds/calarinanis
Summary: In the aftermath of Gisela's death, Uhtred is swept up in his own grief. Each of his friends helps him to recover little by little until he remembers the warmth of the sun again.
Relationships: Gisela/Uhtred of Bebbanburg
Comments: 12
Kudos: 14





	in aeternum

He cannot sleep. 

Everywhere he looks, he can see only her beautiful face. Those playful dark eyes, the mouth that was ever-moving and the hair he loved to cup within his hands. Occasionally, he forgets he cannot touch her anymore. 

And, when he sleeps it is worse. 

His every dream is filled with echoes of her melodic voice and glimpses of her creamy back that he can ever quite catch. His nightmares are worse still, her body freezing in the cold torment of Niflheim or burning within the fires of the Christian Hell. Every night, he awakens upright with agony racing through his heart and a pain he thinks he cannot bear. 

Then, the morning sun breaks through.

It is a warm yellow, radiant and kindly, as it basks the whole world in its glory. But, it is more than that for Uhtred. It is a reminder that he is still alive though Gisela is not and she would not want him to waste his life in pity. Sometimes, he thinks he can even hear her voice amongst the morning birdsong, though strangely it does not sadden him. It is comforting to think of her amongst the flock she had once tended. 

And for a time, he can bury himself in the mundane tasks of life.

* * *

“Lord, have you seen this?” Finan might say, his keen dark eyes narrowed upon Uhtred’s face. 

He knows that the Irishman is keen to engage him, to allow him a chance to breathe without the thought of Gisela burning through his mind and he is grateful. He throws on the best smirk he can muster and adds a sting to his words, bantering back and forth with Finan, until the smile becomes a real one. One day, Finan even tells him a little of his life in Ireland and how he was royalty, something to which he cannot help his deep-bellied laughs. Though, they quickly turn to sombre looks as Uhtred realises the depth of Finan’s suffering and swears by the Gods that Finan will always have a place with him. 

He only wishes that he could laugh away the pain like Finan. 

Perhaps, it is only because it had been several years since Finan had seen his love that he could now speak of it freely and in jest. Perhaps, it was because Finan had suffered so much that humour was the only way he could deal with the pain. Uhtred felt he could do neither. Speaking Gisela’s name was impossible and attempting to jest about the wounds within his heart was again impossible. 

* * *

Hild might approach, a serenity upon her face. “Lord Uhtred, will you join me?”

She will invite him for dinner at her table, fussing over him to the extent that he could no longer remember the warrior she had been once upon a time. At least until she chides him for something or another and he sees the steel enter her eyes once more though it is certainly softened by the smile upon her face. They would talk of their days, of the Christian God, and of Uhtred’s children of whom he was fond if not the best father. She would encourage him to talk about Gisela, sharing her own stories of the woman she had grown to love over the years as a sister, because Hild had always believed that words had the power to help you heal.

And, yet, every mention of Gisela slashes a new wound into his soul. 

Maybe, he was not ready to share her with the world. Maybe, he wished to keep all that she was close to his chest so that he could hold onto her until the very end. Hild could speak of Gisela because she had learnt contentment with God, she had renounced earthly things including sadness but he had not. He would sooner renounce his oaths than let go of Gisela. Even if holding onto her was hurting him. 

* * *

“Let's have a drink, Lord,” Sihtric might say as he pushes a tankard across the table. 

The boy does not jabber on with useless words that have no meaning, rather he is quiet and listens when Uhtred wishes to speak. It is a companionable silence to begin, however after a few drinks they both begin to get louder and more bawdy. Uhtred does not miss, however, the way that Sihtric keeps the conversation light to avoid mentioning Gisela. He does not push, does not expect Uhtred to speak his mind and it is for this reason that Uhtred speaks. 

Gisela's name touches his lips and once he starts he cannot stop the words flowing from his mouth. 

He does not know what prompts him to speak, does not see the relief upon Sihtric's face but he feels the ache within his chest lessen with each word. Sihtric does not pity him, he offers thoughtful words in understanding and toasts to the memory of Gisela. It is then that realisation flashes through Uhtred that Sihtric too has suffered loss and Sihtric too has a wife so Sihtric is best placed to understand him. 

* * *

"Let me help you home, Lord," Osferth might say as he takes Uhtred’s weight upon himself. 

The baby monk struggles with aiding him but that does not impede the advice he is giving. He talks of God and Gisela but it does not irritate Uhtred, in fact it rather reminds him of Father Beocca who he wished was here. Looking into Osferth's clear eyes, he is reminded that Gisela had spoken in his favour which is the only reason Osferth is now standing before him. He feels a rush of affection, grateful for Osferth's support even now. 

And, he thinks of how even in death that Gisela is still with him. 

He clasps Osferth's shoulder as he stumbles into his room and sees a hint of joy flash across his face. He thinks he should be kinder, that is what Gisela would have wanted. It hits him then that she was still with him every step of the way and that he needs to honour her memory by living his life. He needs to look after his men, care for his children and protect Coccham because only then will he be able to look her in the eye at their reunion in Valhalla. She had always given, he would strive to do the same. 

* * *

His sleep is peaceful now. 

He still sees flashes of her in their home, still smells the scent of lavender in his bed but it does not hurt anymore. It is reassuring rather than painful, a reminder rather than torment and he is grateful for these moments.

Dreams still catch him but they are happier now. No longer is he chasing something he will never have again, instead they reminisce upon memories long-forgotten and look to their future together in Valhalla. And when he awakens in the morning, it is not with an ache in his chest but rather a warmth in his heart. 

The morning sun still breaks through. 

It is yellower still, more kindly than he remembered and he feels its glory upon his shoulders. It still serves as a reminder but it is more than that now. It uplifts his mood, gives him cause to smile and even prompts him to sing along to the birdsong though he is careful not to do it in front of Finan who would tease him without mercy. He can no longer hear her voice amongst her flock but it does not matter because his own is now enough. 

No longer does he seek to bury himself, now he looks for challenges again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
